There are times in everyone's life when things happen that shake your world to its core and change the way you look at life from that moment forward. I believe I just experienced one of those times in the last week.
As most of my blog readers already know, my maternal grandfather passed away less than a week ago from congestive heart failure. This was a devastating loss for my family, and was the first time most of us had lost a loved one.
Now, before you start feeling too sorry for me, I want you to know that my grandpa lived a full, rich life and left behind a legacy that is an example to everyone who knew him. Also, some amazing things are happening in my family and in my life as a result of his death and lasting influence. These are the things about which I am writing today.
First, I want to tell you about my grandpa. Leonard McEuen was one of the strongest Christian men I have ever known. If you knew nothing else about him, that fact would be enough. He exemplified a faith that many (including myself) wish they had. He was not afraid to speak his mind or share his faith. He knew hardship well, and learned how to live with it at a young age, having lost his mother as a toddler. He worked hard and was never "too good" to get his hands dirty. He was always thankful for the things in his life, and rarely complained. If you asked him, "How are you?," no matter what his circumstances, he would answer , "Great. Never been better."(or something similar) God rewarded Grandpa's faithfulness and humility in many ways, too many to list here...and he would tell you that was the honest truth.
Over the last week, I learned a lot about my grandpa, a lot about myself, and a little more about God. I learned that I have a lot more control over my emotions than I thought I did (and than I used to). I had been wondering for some time now if I had made any progress in this area, apparently I did.
My facebook status on Thursday said, "Grandpa would've wanted me to be strong today. I want to honor his legacy by following his example." After I wrote this, I realized that this is why we choose to follow Christ. He loved us so much, and now that He isn't with us, we should want to honor His legacy by following His example. This was a new level of understanding my faith.
This understanding compounded itself yesterday at church, when my relationship with God felt as real as any earthly relationship could. It started with a song we sang that was based on my grandpa's favorite verse, Isaiah 40:31. The song was called Everlasting God and I was instantly comforted. Following this, a song was sung that paused for testimonies of people who had dealt with grief, and they read a verse that comforted them. The message, linked here, was inspirational and gave me a lot to think about; it was one of those times when I felt like God was speaking directly to me, offering comfort, and then suggesting my next plan of action. It was really cool...my heart is racing a little just thinking about it. I feel like God has handed me several opportunities to test his faithfulness lately, and also the time in which to do it. The circumstances of my life at this point in time beg for me to trust Him, and right now I think I would have to work to avoid God. I don't like that I had to lose Grandpa to understand more about God, but I am glad that something (well, many things) positive will come out of something heartbreaking.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, Grandma shared with us the things that Grandpa would pray for us every night, and now that he is gone my family is trying to fulfill his wishes. The thing that most excites me about this is that my dad, mom, brother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and my brother's girlfriend are all going to go to church again (or for the first time!!!). This is also an answer to my prayers as well.
I love my grandpa and miss him a lot. One or two of my friends commented, while offering comfort, that his work is done, and God has finished using him on earth. But to me, it seems like God isn't quite done yet. And that fills me with hope. :)
By the way, that link should take you to my church's website www.wschurch.org to listen to the Compass teaching series. The fourth sermon is the one I am referring to in this post, but the others inspired my previous posts. I urge you to listen to the entire series.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
To My Heart:
Dear Heart,
It is with some sadness that I write to you today. Yesterday, I found out that you have been lying to me. You have been telling me things about the world and about myself and it is all untrue. You have been telling me that I need to get in tune with what "we" want and that I need to "find myself," when deep down you and I both know that I know who I am. You convinced me that you know more about what is good for me than anyone else does, and in doing so have veered me off the path I want to be on. You tried to convince me that my life and my faith are two separate things, and I believed you for far too long.
When it comes to my relationships, you have caused me more pain than I can express. My fear of hurting you has caused me to hurt others in the name of "self-preservation". Your foolish romantic notions have cost me dearly, not only by damaging friendships, but also by developing in me an unrealistic, sometimes fairytale expectation when it comes to love, which is a lie. Your daydreaming makes reality painful sometimes and keeps me from facing it.
You have lied to me about how much I am influenced by the world. You, heart, are a bad influence. You justify things in the name of youth and fun, with no regard to the spiritual and emotional consequences. This surprises me, given that you are the one damaged by those consequences. You tell me that I don't have time to spend with Jesus or for doing good things in His name, but you always find time for the things that you want.
It is with these things in mind that I have made a choice. You, heart are a danger to both me and yourself. I cannot trust you anymore. Therefore, I am going to have to temporarily fire you from the position of moral and spiritual compass.You need to be retrained to long for the things of God, not the things of this world. I am asking the God who made you to fix you, as I am unable to undo the mess you've made by myself. I'm sorry if this makes you upset or angry, but it is for your own good and our best interest. From now on I will be filling you with truth, so that when you have earned my trust again, you won't have as many lies to tell me. This will be a long, hard journey, but I think we will both be happy with where it takes us.
Bethany
It is with some sadness that I write to you today. Yesterday, I found out that you have been lying to me. You have been telling me things about the world and about myself and it is all untrue. You have been telling me that I need to get in tune with what "we" want and that I need to "find myself," when deep down you and I both know that I know who I am. You convinced me that you know more about what is good for me than anyone else does, and in doing so have veered me off the path I want to be on. You tried to convince me that my life and my faith are two separate things, and I believed you for far too long.
When it comes to my relationships, you have caused me more pain than I can express. My fear of hurting you has caused me to hurt others in the name of "self-preservation". Your foolish romantic notions have cost me dearly, not only by damaging friendships, but also by developing in me an unrealistic, sometimes fairytale expectation when it comes to love, which is a lie. Your daydreaming makes reality painful sometimes and keeps me from facing it.
You have lied to me about how much I am influenced by the world. You, heart, are a bad influence. You justify things in the name of youth and fun, with no regard to the spiritual and emotional consequences. This surprises me, given that you are the one damaged by those consequences. You tell me that I don't have time to spend with Jesus or for doing good things in His name, but you always find time for the things that you want.
It is with these things in mind that I have made a choice. You, heart are a danger to both me and yourself. I cannot trust you anymore. Therefore, I am going to have to temporarily fire you from the position of moral and spiritual compass.You need to be retrained to long for the things of God, not the things of this world. I am asking the God who made you to fix you, as I am unable to undo the mess you've made by myself. I'm sorry if this makes you upset or angry, but it is for your own good and our best interest. From now on I will be filling you with truth, so that when you have earned my trust again, you won't have as many lies to tell me. This will be a long, hard journey, but I think we will both be happy with where it takes us.
Bethany
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
New Year, New Plans
It is with a full heart and mind that I find myself blogging today. The last three weeks have brought with them a series of difficult things to ponder, all in ascending order of seriousness. It is one of those things where something happens and you think to yourself, "Hmm, I need to think about that", but you don't really, and then something else happens and you add it on to the "need to process" list. Then about five more things happen that you add to the list and suddenly you are calling your entire lifestyle into question. This is where life has brought me this week.
Really it all started because of my close friend's visit while on a month's leave from the Peace Corps. Upon his return, I realized that I am not the same person I was when he left 15 months ago, which I was both expecting and surprised by. Of course, not all of the changes were negative, actually most of them were positive changes (more confident, more comfortable with myself, wiser), but it was interesting to notice the changes nonetheless. I found it even more interesting that though I had gained some confidence over the last year, I was incredibly self-conscious about all the changes. This led me to believe that perhaps I was lying to myself and masking arrogance as confidence or apathy as self-acceptance.
I tried for days to ignore it, but when my friend and I spent a couple evenings talking, I couldn't ignore it any more. One of the many things I love about our friendship is the way he can challenge my thoughts and actions in a way that, first of all, I don't even notice he's doing it; and second, doesn't feel threatening or judgmental, so I never get defensive. To be honest, I don't even know if he's meaning to challenge me, or if I am just always striving to be a better person when he's around. Regardless of the intention, I still find myself challenged during these conversations.
He was only here for a week, but the conversations we had started a thought process in my head that God has since decided to use and run with. He has done this in several ways, some of which are too personal to share here. One of the more public and obvious ways is through three "God-timed" sermons from my minister, all completely applicable to my personal situation, and again in ascending urgency.
*side note: I love how God doesn't just blindside me with the truth. He gradually orchestrates the events of my life to a point where he conducts a beautiful crescendo of truth and revelation. It is breathtaking every time.
In this particular instance, my circumstances culminated with the first sermon in the Compass series we are doing at Westside, talking about how the path your life is on determines the events in your life and also your destination. This one one of those "DUH!" moments for me. Eddie said, "You can't go the wrong way and end up in the right place." Though an obvious statement, my eyes were opened in that moment. I realized that God had been trying to tell me this for months now, and I have been ignoring Him.
Another point that hit home for me was that when you merge your path with someone else's, you share a destination. <---Duh! and WHOA! I mean, it totally makes sense if you are in a car, but to think about life that way blows my mind. This led me to two conclusions : 1) Who am I following that will take me places I don't want to be? and 2) Where am I going, that I may be taking someone else with me? Ok, I lied, there are three: 3)If I start going in the right direction, instead of driving in circles, maybe someone will want to go where I am going, and decide to come with me.
Ok, so now I am going to backtrack a bit. During the week before I heard this sermon, I was talking to a different close friend (who also happened to be leaving the country for a while too), and we were talking about all the changes that 2010 may bring. I was telling him how I wanted to be a better person and work on being a more godly woman, but that I didn't know how. It was then that I looked up on my bookshelf and saw the book Lady in Waiting, which I have discussed on this blog before... here. I read that link before I posted it, and I find it ironic to be back in the same place two years later. I seem to come back to this place often. But, I digress.
Upon seeing this book on the shelf, I went and got it (all while on the phone with said friend) and proceeded to read excerpts aloud to my friend, so he would know what on earth i was rambling on about. Turns out, we both got some really great insight from those sections, and I internally committed then and there to read that book again...for the third time.
That, of course was before the Compass sermon in which I learned WHEN and HOW to change..and WHY.
One thing I have always known is that I do not want a boring life. I don't want my story to be just like thousands of other stories. I don't want to settle for "good enough". Mediocrity is not for me. I know that God doesn't write boring stories.
God does big, awesome things with the people who trust Him enough to let go of the controls.
Obviously, only being two days into my new commitments, I still have a LOT more processing to do. (Just writing this post has uncovered some more things to ponder) God and I have a lot of work to do in the upcoming months, and I hope you will want to follow along to see what happens. If you feel the need to pray for me, please pray that I stay the course. I am tired of my life moving in circles, but the fear of the unknown keeps me from fully trusting Jesus. This keeps me in a painful pattern that I would love to finally break.
Peace out!
Really it all started because of my close friend's visit while on a month's leave from the Peace Corps. Upon his return, I realized that I am not the same person I was when he left 15 months ago, which I was both expecting and surprised by. Of course, not all of the changes were negative, actually most of them were positive changes (more confident, more comfortable with myself, wiser), but it was interesting to notice the changes nonetheless. I found it even more interesting that though I had gained some confidence over the last year, I was incredibly self-conscious about all the changes. This led me to believe that perhaps I was lying to myself and masking arrogance as confidence or apathy as self-acceptance.
I tried for days to ignore it, but when my friend and I spent a couple evenings talking, I couldn't ignore it any more. One of the many things I love about our friendship is the way he can challenge my thoughts and actions in a way that, first of all, I don't even notice he's doing it; and second, doesn't feel threatening or judgmental, so I never get defensive. To be honest, I don't even know if he's meaning to challenge me, or if I am just always striving to be a better person when he's around. Regardless of the intention, I still find myself challenged during these conversations.
He was only here for a week, but the conversations we had started a thought process in my head that God has since decided to use and run with. He has done this in several ways, some of which are too personal to share here. One of the more public and obvious ways is through three "God-timed" sermons from my minister, all completely applicable to my personal situation, and again in ascending urgency.
*side note: I love how God doesn't just blindside me with the truth. He gradually orchestrates the events of my life to a point where he conducts a beautiful crescendo of truth and revelation. It is breathtaking every time.
In this particular instance, my circumstances culminated with the first sermon in the Compass series we are doing at Westside, talking about how the path your life is on determines the events in your life and also your destination. This one one of those "DUH!" moments for me. Eddie said, "You can't go the wrong way and end up in the right place." Though an obvious statement, my eyes were opened in that moment. I realized that God had been trying to tell me this for months now, and I have been ignoring Him.
Another point that hit home for me was that when you merge your path with someone else's, you share a destination. <---Duh! and WHOA! I mean, it totally makes sense if you are in a car, but to think about life that way blows my mind. This led me to two conclusions : 1) Who am I following that will take me places I don't want to be? and 2) Where am I going, that I may be taking someone else with me? Ok, I lied, there are three: 3)If I start going in the right direction, instead of driving in circles, maybe someone will want to go where I am going, and decide to come with me.
Ok, so now I am going to backtrack a bit. During the week before I heard this sermon, I was talking to a different close friend (who also happened to be leaving the country for a while too), and we were talking about all the changes that 2010 may bring. I was telling him how I wanted to be a better person and work on being a more godly woman, but that I didn't know how. It was then that I looked up on my bookshelf and saw the book Lady in Waiting, which I have discussed on this blog before... here. I read that link before I posted it, and I find it ironic to be back in the same place two years later. I seem to come back to this place often. But, I digress.
Upon seeing this book on the shelf, I went and got it (all while on the phone with said friend) and proceeded to read excerpts aloud to my friend, so he would know what on earth i was rambling on about. Turns out, we both got some really great insight from those sections, and I internally committed then and there to read that book again...for the third time.
That, of course was before the Compass sermon in which I learned WHEN and HOW to change..and WHY.
One thing I have always known is that I do not want a boring life. I don't want my story to be just like thousands of other stories. I don't want to settle for "good enough". Mediocrity is not for me. I know that God doesn't write boring stories.
God does big, awesome things with the people who trust Him enough to let go of the controls.
Obviously, only being two days into my new commitments, I still have a LOT more processing to do. (Just writing this post has uncovered some more things to ponder) God and I have a lot of work to do in the upcoming months, and I hope you will want to follow along to see what happens. If you feel the need to pray for me, please pray that I stay the course. I am tired of my life moving in circles, but the fear of the unknown keeps me from fully trusting Jesus. This keeps me in a painful pattern that I would love to finally break.
Peace out!
Monday, November 9, 2009
TheJourney of 2117 miles
The journey of 2117 miles begins with the first step, so they say. But where does 2117 miles get you? Specifically, that is the distance between the University of Illinois at Springfield and the University of Oregon in Eugene. Also, it is the distance that I signed up to walk in order to get a free t-shirt.
I am participating in UIS's Be Fit campaign as of about 3 hours ago. They gave me a pedometer to track my steps and showed me how to log them online. At the end of each week, they tally up my miles and subtract them from the total. When I reach mile 2117, I get my t-shirt. In the meantime, I have some extra motivation to go to the gym often AND I get to see how many miles I walk around campus in a day. I've already walked 2.5 miles today, just walking to the library and to dinner. If I add some portion control to the equation, I am looking at a thinner figure in no time at all.
My goal is to accomplish this in one year, which averages out to 5.8 miles a day....ambitious to say the least. I am super excited to make exercise a more intentional part of my daily routine, and am especially excited about the extra endorphins: ...with finals coming up, I will take all the natural stress-relief I can get!
Speaking of finals and school stuff, my first semester here at UIS is really heating up! I have two papers to write for next week and am working on a serious group project that counts as my final grade for my most challenging class: Introduction to Nanotechnology....blech! For some reason, I feel the need to distract myself with blogging tonight.
I am really impressed with the continuity of my learning capacity after so much time off from formal learning. I am learning daily about my perceived "learning limit", but am always surprised when my brain pushes past that feeling and I have an educational breakthrough. That new moment of clarity comes with a sense of accomplishment that is almost addictive. Today I figured out how to do binary mathematics, which was difficult to wrap my brain around and almost left me in tears. Not only was I able to figure it out, but i was able to explain it to the others in my work group. It was pretty great.
Hopefully next week I will get registered for my spring classes!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Tweet Anxiety Disorder
Something strange happened to me last night. Well, lots of strange things happened last night, but the one to which I am dedicating this post has had me thinking. I went to a restaurant with some friends, and when I got there they already knew all of the things that had happened to me this week. They alreadyknew because- in an effort to connect with my friends during the week, I posted my everyday happenings on Facebook and Twitter.
This makes me wonder, are social networking sites diminishing my face to face relationships? I've always thought that putting everything "out there" on these sites made it easier to communicate with friends, hence keeping the relationship fresh, but this recent evidence points to a different result. I didn't get the joy of telling my friends any stories, because they had already heard them. So we stood around rather awkwardly, because no one had anything new to say.
I am further questioning the amount and depth of information i put up on these sites. I am concerned that there is too much of me and my life in the public eye. What if this is causing people to be less interested in seeing me face to face, because they already know what I am up to? (yes, I realize the irony of posting these thoughts on a blog.)
Perhaps it is time for me to withdraw from this type of communication for a while, as an experiment. This is a serious consideration, as I have a pretty serious Facebook addiction. As a matter of fact, as I am typing this, I am thinking about a Facebook status of:"Bethany is thinking about taking a break from Facebook for a few days. Text or call instead." Haha! This would totally defeat the purpose of the experiment!
The events of the last few weeks are really calling all of my relationships into my spotlight of scrutiny. What I need and what I get aren't meeting up in the middle, leaving a huge gap of uncertainty and insecurity. I'm not sure why this is happening all of a sudden, or why it started, and I'm not convinced that it is not all my own fault. Perhaps I am not a very good friend, but it just seems strange to me that many things fall apart all at once. Now I have to start the frustrating, infuriating, exhaustive process of trying to put it all back together....again. Maybe this time without Facebook's "help".
This makes me wonder, are social networking sites diminishing my face to face relationships? I've always thought that putting everything "out there" on these sites made it easier to communicate with friends, hence keeping the relationship fresh, but this recent evidence points to a different result. I didn't get the joy of telling my friends any stories, because they had already heard them. So we stood around rather awkwardly, because no one had anything new to say.
I am further questioning the amount and depth of information i put up on these sites. I am concerned that there is too much of me and my life in the public eye. What if this is causing people to be less interested in seeing me face to face, because they already know what I am up to? (yes, I realize the irony of posting these thoughts on a blog.)
Perhaps it is time for me to withdraw from this type of communication for a while, as an experiment. This is a serious consideration, as I have a pretty serious Facebook addiction. As a matter of fact, as I am typing this, I am thinking about a Facebook status of:"Bethany is thinking about taking a break from Facebook for a few days. Text or call instead." Haha! This would totally defeat the purpose of the experiment!
The events of the last few weeks are really calling all of my relationships into my spotlight of scrutiny. What I need and what I get aren't meeting up in the middle, leaving a huge gap of uncertainty and insecurity. I'm not sure why this is happening all of a sudden, or why it started, and I'm not convinced that it is not all my own fault. Perhaps I am not a very good friend, but it just seems strange to me that many things fall apart all at once. Now I have to start the frustrating, infuriating, exhaustive process of trying to put it all back together....again. Maybe this time without Facebook's "help".
Monday, September 14, 2009
First College Paper
This is my very first college paper! It is for my creative writing class, and I think it is my best written work so far in my life. Our assignment was to write a narrative about something crucial to our literacy education. Enjoy!
Dear Diary, It's Me, Bethany
I learned my ABC’s, I learned how to write a sentence, and I learned how to write an essay. The things I first loved about writing were the way my hand moved as I wrote the letters- around the bumps of the B, down the slide of the R, winding around an S; but I ultimately fell in love with writing through journaling. My personal literacy education and love for writing was a direct result of journaling, first as a young child, and then more frequently as an adult; it started as a deep-seeded need for a friend and a sense of duty to future generations, but blossomed into a passion for expression.
I remember a specific day when I was seven years old; my mom took my siblings and me to TJ Maxx, which involved a long car ride. I must have done something special that week, because my mom bought me my first diary. The book was smooth, shiny, and light pink with a tutu-clad teddy bear ballerina on the cover. It had a tiny padlock and came with two keys. I fidgeted with the lock all the way home. I was so excited!
At dinner that night I remember my parents having a conversation with me about my privacy, and the rights and responsibilities that come with owning a diary. They promised me that they would never read it, unless they had reason to believe I was doing drugs or that I was involved in something that would get me or my friends hurt. My sister and I were threatened with severe punishment for stealing and/or reading each other’s diaries. They told me that I could write whatever I wanted to in my diary, even if it was about them, and it would remain my own secret.
That is exactly what I did with it for the first few years. I wrote the secrets my friends told me, and I divulged my own. I told the “how we met” story for every boy I ever liked, when we would be married, where we would live, and what we would name our children. I kept my diary hidden from my sister in our room. I had it tucked away in my top drawer, in the back, under lock and key, where my secrets would be safe. When my sister was tall enough to see into my drawer, I put it on a rotation of secret locations around my room.
In the early days of my journaling, my writing consisted mostly of lists of my friends and the day to day happenings of my school days. I always started my entries “Dear Diary” Like they did in the movies, as if one day my diary would write me a “Dear Bethany” letter to tell me just what it thought of all my problems. I even found myself talking to it and asking it questions as if I would get a response. “Dear Diary, guess what I did today!” “Dear Diary, why does this always happen to me?”, “Dear Diary, do you think he likes me?” And for some reason, I never once doubted my sanity in doing this. In fact, it made me feel like I was fitting in, a part of something bigger than myself. It was like I was contributing to society and future generations, like Anne Frank.
When I reached Junior High, my need for secrets increased exponentially. I had fully grown into a level of social awkwardness that kept me from having many friends, but put me in the crosshairs of having my secrets exposed to everyone. This happened a few times; because I could not really learn anything until I screwed it up repeatedly. I learned quickly that the only person I could trust with these things was not a person at all. Thus, a relationship with my own literacy was born out of the necessity of a friend.
Soon, the day came when I felt that I was too grown up for my pink ballerina diary. If anyone at school ever found out that I still wrote in a kid’s diary, I would’ve been socially excommunicated until the end of my school career. This was the beginning of what I call my “transition years” in my writing. I had to find a cooler book to write in. I tried a regular purple notebook, left over from a school year past and put a cute sticker on it. But that was not distinctive enough. I tried one of those black paper notebooks that respond to gel ink, which was the cool thing in the late 90’s, but it became too hard to write in after my bedtime; when I was trying to be sneaky and stay up late. I kept finding something wrong with every journal I tried. It was like trying to meet new people and make a new best friend.
After finding something that worked for me, I spent the next several years journaling my experiences for the benefit of future generations, namely, mine. I wanted to chronicle my life as a young adult so that when I got old and gray, I would be able to read my actions and thoughts and be instantly taken back to “the good old days”. This approach served me well for quite sometime. So much so, that I began, at the age of twenty, to write my autobiography. Like many other things in my life, this was never finished, and several years later I still laugh at how little I knew about life then.
When the reality of adulthood set in (and I bought my first computer), in my early-to-mid twenties I began to blog as an emotional outlet, and form of self-expression. After having watched too many Sex and the City re-runs, I decided a humorous look at my dating life would be a great topic for a first blog. I joined several internet dating sites, “for research”, and was not disappointed with the unbelievable quantity of humorous and downright offensive responses. This gave me piles of kindling for my creative-writing fire. Having an audience to my thoughts opened up a world of entertaining my readers with my wit and sense of humor about life. I realized that some people really enjoy reading the opinions of others, and that my thoughts and opinions can challenge others to think about things in new ways.
That, in turn, challenged me to think in new ways. The feedback from my readers inspired and encouraged me not only to think about a specific event differently, but I was inspired to be more and more creative and open. I have realized that when I take a risk and share a deep emotion or a very personal opinion in my writing, others resonate with me. Vulnerability makes writing relatable. Writing these things has helped me to realize that though I may feel alone, I am never alone. My feelings and emotions are never exclusive to me.
So I continue to write, and I continue to share; sometimes for the benefit of others, but mostly for my own benefit. On my own, I explore the things in my heart and mind, and I commit them to paper or to the never ending canvas known as the World Wide Web. I continue in my own tradition that has spanned nine journals, four blogs, and nineteen years. My writing is now categorized by subject, like books on the shelf of a library, with a different journal or blog for each different area of my life. Writing, for me, has become more than just a keeper of secrets. It has become a passion of mine, and a necessity for my creative expression.
Dear Diary, It's Me, Bethany
I learned my ABC’s, I learned how to write a sentence, and I learned how to write an essay. The things I first loved about writing were the way my hand moved as I wrote the letters- around the bumps of the B, down the slide of the R, winding around an S; but I ultimately fell in love with writing through journaling. My personal literacy education and love for writing was a direct result of journaling, first as a young child, and then more frequently as an adult; it started as a deep-seeded need for a friend and a sense of duty to future generations, but blossomed into a passion for expression.
I remember a specific day when I was seven years old; my mom took my siblings and me to TJ Maxx, which involved a long car ride. I must have done something special that week, because my mom bought me my first diary. The book was smooth, shiny, and light pink with a tutu-clad teddy bear ballerina on the cover. It had a tiny padlock and came with two keys. I fidgeted with the lock all the way home. I was so excited!
At dinner that night I remember my parents having a conversation with me about my privacy, and the rights and responsibilities that come with owning a diary. They promised me that they would never read it, unless they had reason to believe I was doing drugs or that I was involved in something that would get me or my friends hurt. My sister and I were threatened with severe punishment for stealing and/or reading each other’s diaries. They told me that I could write whatever I wanted to in my diary, even if it was about them, and it would remain my own secret.
That is exactly what I did with it for the first few years. I wrote the secrets my friends told me, and I divulged my own. I told the “how we met” story for every boy I ever liked, when we would be married, where we would live, and what we would name our children. I kept my diary hidden from my sister in our room. I had it tucked away in my top drawer, in the back, under lock and key, where my secrets would be safe. When my sister was tall enough to see into my drawer, I put it on a rotation of secret locations around my room.
In the early days of my journaling, my writing consisted mostly of lists of my friends and the day to day happenings of my school days. I always started my entries “Dear Diary” Like they did in the movies, as if one day my diary would write me a “Dear Bethany” letter to tell me just what it thought of all my problems. I even found myself talking to it and asking it questions as if I would get a response. “Dear Diary, guess what I did today!” “Dear Diary, why does this always happen to me?”, “Dear Diary, do you think he likes me?” And for some reason, I never once doubted my sanity in doing this. In fact, it made me feel like I was fitting in, a part of something bigger than myself. It was like I was contributing to society and future generations, like Anne Frank.
When I reached Junior High, my need for secrets increased exponentially. I had fully grown into a level of social awkwardness that kept me from having many friends, but put me in the crosshairs of having my secrets exposed to everyone. This happened a few times; because I could not really learn anything until I screwed it up repeatedly. I learned quickly that the only person I could trust with these things was not a person at all. Thus, a relationship with my own literacy was born out of the necessity of a friend.
Soon, the day came when I felt that I was too grown up for my pink ballerina diary. If anyone at school ever found out that I still wrote in a kid’s diary, I would’ve been socially excommunicated until the end of my school career. This was the beginning of what I call my “transition years” in my writing. I had to find a cooler book to write in. I tried a regular purple notebook, left over from a school year past and put a cute sticker on it. But that was not distinctive enough. I tried one of those black paper notebooks that respond to gel ink, which was the cool thing in the late 90’s, but it became too hard to write in after my bedtime; when I was trying to be sneaky and stay up late. I kept finding something wrong with every journal I tried. It was like trying to meet new people and make a new best friend.
After finding something that worked for me, I spent the next several years journaling my experiences for the benefit of future generations, namely, mine. I wanted to chronicle my life as a young adult so that when I got old and gray, I would be able to read my actions and thoughts and be instantly taken back to “the good old days”. This approach served me well for quite sometime. So much so, that I began, at the age of twenty, to write my autobiography. Like many other things in my life, this was never finished, and several years later I still laugh at how little I knew about life then.
When the reality of adulthood set in (and I bought my first computer), in my early-to-mid twenties I began to blog as an emotional outlet, and form of self-expression. After having watched too many Sex and the City re-runs, I decided a humorous look at my dating life would be a great topic for a first blog. I joined several internet dating sites, “for research”, and was not disappointed with the unbelievable quantity of humorous and downright offensive responses. This gave me piles of kindling for my creative-writing fire. Having an audience to my thoughts opened up a world of entertaining my readers with my wit and sense of humor about life. I realized that some people really enjoy reading the opinions of others, and that my thoughts and opinions can challenge others to think about things in new ways.
That, in turn, challenged me to think in new ways. The feedback from my readers inspired and encouraged me not only to think about a specific event differently, but I was inspired to be more and more creative and open. I have realized that when I take a risk and share a deep emotion or a very personal opinion in my writing, others resonate with me. Vulnerability makes writing relatable. Writing these things has helped me to realize that though I may feel alone, I am never alone. My feelings and emotions are never exclusive to me.
So I continue to write, and I continue to share; sometimes for the benefit of others, but mostly for my own benefit. On my own, I explore the things in my heart and mind, and I commit them to paper or to the never ending canvas known as the World Wide Web. I continue in my own tradition that has spanned nine journals, four blogs, and nineteen years. My writing is now categorized by subject, like books on the shelf of a library, with a different journal or blog for each different area of my life. Writing, for me, has become more than just a keeper of secrets. It has become a passion of mine, and a necessity for my creative expression.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Adjusting To Campus Life
It's not as easy as it looks. It is not a constant party (at least for the wise students). But it is also not constant studying. The food is better than I expected, and my roommates are nicer than I expected.
The fact that this campus is my home now is just beginning to set in. I am different from my classmates in this. I don't live with my parents anymore, therefore I have nowhere to "go home" to on weekends or holidays. This campus is my new home. This room, this apartment will be my home for the next four years of my life. Since I've been on my own, I have never lived anywhere for four years. The idea of this both excites and terrifies me.
My classes are not as challenging (yet) as I expected. Meaning, I've not yet been pushed to my limit, although I know it is coming. Everyone keeps warning me about week 4. This will be next week, so I'm starting to get a little concerned. I have my first Algebra test this week and I am really nervous for it. Numbers don't come to me as naturally as words and phrases do. Speaking of which, the phrase/exclamation "Use your words!" has been the theme of my life lately, and I have become increasingly more appreciative of people who use proper language to express themselves. It seems like so many people use "text message lingo" here, and I am basically clueless about this, so when someone carries on a conversation with me without saying "LOL" (yes, they actually spell it) I am as happy as a bluebird on a Spring morning (I'm working on my analogies for my creative writing class, can you tell?).
In other news, I really miss my queen size bed. It was the thing I was the most thankful for upon my return to the U.S., and I am sad that it is gone. I am still thankful to have a bed, don't get me wrong, it is just with all my furniture belonging to the University, I miss...well, I guess I am just being a little selfish right now.
I think the hardest adjustment for me has been the excessive stress, and pressure I have put on myself. Having work to do almost all the time is stressful, and i am terrible at handling it. Mix that with my personal pressure for perfection, and I sometimes feel like a time bomb...usually around Wednesday. I need to figure out a better way to handle these things...maybe exercise? That would be the most helpful stress reliever, better than what i do now, which is stress eating, and that's not good for me at all. I also need to get back to praying all the time. I get so busy that i forget how important it is to pray....Which would be a good thing to start RIGHT NOW!
The fact that this campus is my home now is just beginning to set in. I am different from my classmates in this. I don't live with my parents anymore, therefore I have nowhere to "go home" to on weekends or holidays. This campus is my new home. This room, this apartment will be my home for the next four years of my life. Since I've been on my own, I have never lived anywhere for four years. The idea of this both excites and terrifies me.
My classes are not as challenging (yet) as I expected. Meaning, I've not yet been pushed to my limit, although I know it is coming. Everyone keeps warning me about week 4. This will be next week, so I'm starting to get a little concerned. I have my first Algebra test this week and I am really nervous for it. Numbers don't come to me as naturally as words and phrases do. Speaking of which, the phrase/exclamation "Use your words!" has been the theme of my life lately, and I have become increasingly more appreciative of people who use proper language to express themselves. It seems like so many people use "text message lingo" here, and I am basically clueless about this, so when someone carries on a conversation with me without saying "LOL" (yes, they actually spell it) I am as happy as a bluebird on a Spring morning (I'm working on my analogies for my creative writing class, can you tell?).
In other news, I really miss my queen size bed. It was the thing I was the most thankful for upon my return to the U.S., and I am sad that it is gone. I am still thankful to have a bed, don't get me wrong, it is just with all my furniture belonging to the University, I miss...well, I guess I am just being a little selfish right now.
I think the hardest adjustment for me has been the excessive stress, and pressure I have put on myself. Having work to do almost all the time is stressful, and i am terrible at handling it. Mix that with my personal pressure for perfection, and I sometimes feel like a time bomb...usually around Wednesday. I need to figure out a better way to handle these things...maybe exercise? That would be the most helpful stress reliever, better than what i do now, which is stress eating, and that's not good for me at all. I also need to get back to praying all the time. I get so busy that i forget how important it is to pray....Which would be a good thing to start RIGHT NOW!
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